Mixed Feelings
by lumania
Summary: JD tries to help Dr. Cox to deal with his feelings, but he get more than he bargained for.
1. Chapter 1

**Repost of chapter 1! I'm reposting this and all the chapters I've done so far.**

**I really want to think by beta Nittles for the work she's done with this and the following chapters, she's really done a great job helping me improve this story.**

**Warning: This is a slash story, so if you're umcomfortable with that I'd advise you not to read it.**

**I don't own Scrubs**

**Enjoy the chapter and don't forget to leave reviews.**

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><p>I had a feeling today was not going to go very well. For starters, my boss - Dr. Cox – was in a terrible mood, even worse so than usual. That is a saying a lot, I know, but I just so happen to be his favourite punching bag. That probably explains why I am actively making sure I avoid him like the plague.<p>

By the time lunch time arrives I am beyond exhausted. Taking care of all of my patients whilst skilfully avoiding my boss is not an easy task. I poke the food on my plate half-heartedly and sigh.

Turks tilts his head to look at me before waving his fork in Dr. Cox's direction. "What is up with him today? He looks like he's on some of rampage or something!"

"I don't know, Turk." I stare at my mentor. "I think he's bottled so much up that he doesn't know how to express it in any other way than anger. He's cube." impossible, a bit like a rubex cube.

Carla snorted. "That's definitely not it, Bambi." I snap my head round. "He's not acting like a cranky baby because of bottled emotions. He's being an arse because he had a nasty fight with Jordan last night."

I look at her, outraged that she brushed off my theory. "And how would _you_ know that?"

"He told me."

"Maybe I should offer him a hug?" I sigh, dreamily.

Carla shoots me an alarmed look and leans over the table. "I am warning you, JD. You do not want to get in the middle in this. Nothing good can possibly come from you meddling in Dr. Cox's private life."

"Look who's talking..." I grumble angrily into my plate.

"V Bear, I know Carla loves meddling in people's lives..." Turk smiles at me, unaware of the death glare being directed at the side of his head. "But, I think she's right this time."

I nod slowly, and push my plate away. "Why is this fight so special, anyway? I mean, I am pretty sure fighting is practically foreplay for them."

"This time is different, JD." Carla sparked up once more. "I think they're really over this time. She's already packed and taken Jack with her to her mother's."

As Carla and Turk continued to be engrossed in conversation I allowed my mind to wander. All I could think about was how Dr. Cox was feeling and how much he could really use a friend, and a hug, at that moment. I decided right there and then that I would brave the storm and face my favourite person in the whole of Sacred Heart. Oh, don't tell Turk I said that.

The man must have a sixth sense for my presence, I swear. I had literally only just moved away from my table when he spoke. The funny thing was he hadn't even turned around. He just knew.

"Priscilla, it's nice to know you've finally figured out where you work, I was starting to worry that Prince Charming had come to rescue you and take you to the land of fairytales where you could get to spend the rest of your lives happily ever after, where happily little girls like yourself are able to watch their dreams come true."

"Ha-Ha!" I laughed mockingly. Drama school taught me a lot. "You can rant and rave all you want, but I can see through you Coxy, and I can tell you're in need of a giant bear hug!"

Dr Cox spun around to face me. "What the hell are you yapping about there, Newbie?"

"I heard about your fight with Jordan, I figured you could use a little JD loving!" I grin.

"Oh, is that right?"

"You know I'm right, Dr. C! If you want to go and get a beer, and you know, talk about your feelings..." I trail off, alarmed by the malicious look being shot in my direction.

"Alright then," Dr. Cox muttered dangerously. "Let's go and have a beer at the ba... What the hell am I doing?" Dr. Cox growled. "Forget it; just come by my place with a crate or something. Don't want to be seen out with the likes of you."

I stared at him, not sure whether to jump up and down in excitement or cower away from fear that he was going to hit me and tell me that it was all a joke. "Are- are you serious?"

"Sure," he grinned. The malicious look never fading.

"Ok then. I'll come at your place after my shift."

"Oh, ok." I stutter nervously. "I'll come by your place once my shift finishes."

Dr. Cox turned back so he had his back to me.

"It's a date then." He said.

I literally skipped back to my table.

But, wait a minute. Did he say date? _Don't be stupid, JD. He obviously didn't mean it like that._

I regress to my state of happiness. I was going to spend the evening with Dr. Cox, at his request! Could this day possibly get any better?


	2. Chapter 2

**Repost of chapter 2. Again, this chapter has the improvements of my beta Nittles, you will probably notice a few changes if you've read this chapter before. **

**Enjoy the chapter, and don't forget to review. Thanks for reading. :)**

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><p>I stand in front of Dr Cox's apartment for a moment and take a deep breath. This is it. I am finally going to spend some time with Dr. Cox outside of the hospital. I am overwhelmed with excitement. We could end up being friends! We may even hug!<p>

I'm still lost in the my daydream when the door in front of me swings open, and a large shadow startles me into opening my eyes.

"Annie. There you are. I was starting to think you weren't coming. Well, don't just stand there, come on in."

I unwittingly wrinkle my nose when he speaks. He stinks of alcohol. As I walk past him and into the hall, I notice an empty bottle of scotch on the table. Yup, he's been drinking.

"Well, take a seat Newbie. You're starting to make the place look messy."

I sit on the couch and watch my mentor go to his liquor cabinet and open one more bottle of scotch, pouring the content in two glasses.

I nervously take a seat on the couch and watch Dr. Cox walk purposefully towards his liquor cabinet. He opens a new bottle of scotch, and I silently groan as I watch him pour two glasses.

He sits down beside me and offers me one of the glasses. If I don't drink it, he will, so I reluctantly accept and mutter my thanks.

I immediately gulp the whole thing down and the moment I put the glass on the table, I'm gasping from the burn in the throat.

Dr. Cox tops my glass up straight away, but still refuses to speak. I wait patiently, knowing that eventually he will make a smart remark.

I drink down the second glass of scotch and shake my head in disgust.

"You know, Dr. Cox, as much as I am really enjoying drinking your scotch, I think maybe we should, you know, talk?"

"Newbie," Dr. Cox warned menacingly.

"I promise I won't hug you!" I plead. God, I'm such a girl.

"There's not much to say," he sighed. "We fought, she left..."

"Your wife just left, and you have nothing to say?" I squeezed my eyes shut, half expecting to hear the smashing of glass, the growl of an angry man and a fist in the side of my head. Instead, I felt a shift of weight on the couch and opened my eyes enough to see Dr. Cox putting our scotch glasses in the sink.

"I don't know," Dr. Cox muttered; his back facing me. "Satan decided she couldn't live with this alcoholic hard arse anymore. She said something about damaging Jack. I love my son, Newbie; I really do, so I let her leave." Dr. Cox cleared his throat. "His room has been completely cleared out, she's not coming back."

"Perry, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise." I tried my hardest not to smile. He opened up to me. I mean, it's not like I should be jumping up and down with joy, but it's a start. He trusts me, and it takes all of my willpower to keep me rooted to the spot. God, I want to hug him!

"I can't believe these words are about to come out of my mouth," Dr. Cox turned to face me. "And so help me God if you even think about uttering what I am about to say to anybody else." I nod my head frantically. "But I am happy you are here. I don't like talking, but drinking's good, so I guess I am happy you are drinking too. I'll forget the fact you forgot to bring a crate of beer." _Damn._

I allow myself to smile. "You know, I am always happy to come round and drink your fine scotch." I shudder at the thought.

Dr. Cox dropped the washcloth and wandered back over to the couch.

"We had a nice moment, Newbie. No need to get over emotional."

"Sorry…"

Dr. Cox turned on the TV and threw a beer at me.

"You know," Dr. Cox mumbled. "I am surprised you haven't gone all girly on my arse. I mean, don't you want to know why Jordan and I were fighting?"

I stare at my mentor, confused. Is he hinting at me to ask? Do I ask? Don't think JD, just do.

"Erm," I stammer hesitantly. "What were you guys fighting about?"

"She figured out that I had feelings for somebody else." His eyes didn't leave the TV screen.

My senses were on fire. This is more than I ever could have hoped for. Gossip!

"Oh, ok then." I slap myself mentally for such a lame reply. I wanted to pry. I really, really, _really _wanted to pry. I bet my yearly salary that he hasn't even told Carla this!

Dr. Cox adjusted his position on the couch, so that his body was facing me. "Oh, Newbie. This is disappointing. You can't tell me you don't want to know."

I watch him smile menacingly. He knows me too well. I break into a wide grin, but nerves only allow for my head to nod very slightly.

"Sure."

Dr. Cox laughed and shook his head. "No way, Newbie. This is one hell of a dirty little secret I have here, I'm not sure your girly brain can handle it."

Before I even had a chance to think of a reply, Dr. Cox grabbed my shirt and virtually dragged me onto his lap, pulling me into a passionate kiss as he did so.

He pulled away, grinning at the astonished look on my face.

"You don't need another hint, do you Newbie? I mean, even a stupid girl such as yourself would have figured it out by now." My eyes open wide with realisation.

"Good Newbie."


	3. Chapter 3

**Repost of chapter 3. This chapter, like the others has some alterations, from Nittles, in order to improve them.**

**Enjoy.**

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><p>Oh my God! Oh my God! Dr. Cox just kissed me! Oh my God!<p>

All this time, I have been practically begging him for a hug and... Focus, JD! Your mentor, the man you have idolised for years has just tried to stick his tongue in your mouth! Now is definitely not the time to be thinking about _hugging_ him.

He's looking at me. He's expecting me to say something… For God's sake just say something!

"Well, you're obviously just going to stand there like a gawping schoolgirl, so I'm gonna hit the can." Dr. C... Perry growled, heading towards the bathroom. I thnk if he gets to kiss me, I get to call him Perry. Pel, Per-Per. Wow, the possibilities are endless.

At least that bought me some time. My head is spinning. Maybe it's just the alcohol, but my nerves are shot. I know this is going to one of two ways. Either I can stay and wait patiently for Perry to return or I can panic and bolt before he returns.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm out of here…

I start to creep out of the apartment, trying so hard not to make any noise. I fail miserably on the first attempt of course, tripping over a lamp wire on the way out. I give up at the point, sprinting the rest of the way until there is a decent amount of space between me and the apartment.

I'm about to reach the main entrance door when I am stopped in my tracks. I have spent the last few years desperately seeking approval, _any_ sort of affection from this man. Alright, so this wasn't exactly what sort of affection I had in mind, but it was definitely something.

I can't do this. I can't run away from Perry. I'm going to get back in his apartment so we can talk. Also, I'm still pretty drunk. There's no way I can drive my Sasha like this.

Reluctantly, I start to climb the stairs I had just clambered down. It always seems must harder when you're trying to go upwards. I need to stop drinking. I am surprised when I make it back up to the top that the apartment door is still open. I enter the threshold to find Perry passed out on the couch.

My profession gets the better of me, and I find myself checking him over. Satisfied he is ok, I let myself fall into the chair next to him and sigh. Thinking is impossible in my state.

Maybe I had underestimated just how drunk he really was. Maybe it was just a drunken mistake. I mean, people do really stupid things when they're drunk, right? But this is Perry, the most experienced alcoholic ever to set foot in Sacred Heart, and here he is, in a booze fuelled state after announcing he had feelings for me and trying to eat my face.

I have to admit, I feel guilty for running out on him like I did. I mean, it's not like he really paid too much attention to the fact I had disappeared, he was virtually paralytic before he even headed to the bathroom in the first place.

I guess what really made me run away was not the kiss by itself_, _it was the idea he would want to talk about it. Oh, the irony… Me, John Dorian, avoiding a conversation about my feelings…

The weird thing is, I have no idea how I feel. It was unexpected, and the shock was evident to all parties, but despite everything I couldn't help but notice just how soft his lips actually were against mine. It felt... nice. I'm not really sure where I am going with this, but Perry is actually a good kisser, and I don't know if I would be able to deny him another go.

I don't know. Shouldn't I feel repulsed or something by having another man kiss me?

I didn't… It actually felt kind of… right.

Right! What am I thinking? What's _right_ about all this?

I can't think anymore. I'm going to sleep and sober up, and _then_ I'm going to figure this out.

Where should I sleep anyway? I can't go home now, I can't drive.

Guess I'm going to have to find a spare bedroom.


	4. Chapter 4

_Dr. Cox P.O.V_

I wake up on the couch feeling sore and uncomfortable. I hold my head in my hands and take a half hearted look at my surroundings. Oh, my head! It feels like it's going to explode. I should probably stop drinking. I groan. It's all coming back to me.

Why did I tell Newbie how I felt? Dear God, even in my head that sounds gay. I laugh to myself and sit myself up. I guess that's exactly what this is. _Gay_. Did I actually kiss him? Jeez, I should not have done that. But the look on his face, you can't put a price on that. I bet he got all giddy with excitement once he got home though. I wonder if he told Carla.

I guess I can't blame him from running away; it's exactly what I expected him to do. I mean, why do you think I chose that time to hit the can? I'd been needing to go for ages, but I timed it to perfection. I let him go. Maybe it was me who didn't want to talk. Maybe I was hiding.

I wish I had had a little more time to prepare my ground. Jordan knows my deepest, darkest secrets, and with a woman as powerful and manipulative as her, I had to jump in first. She'd have left a greater path of destruction had she got to him first.

I should probably admit to you that I feel a little disappointed that he bailed on me like that, but I won't. He's been my little lapdog since day one and I know just how excited he got when I asked him over. I suppose he was hoping he would get the hug he had always dreamed about.

Work is going to be awkward, how am I going to be able to brush him without causing too much suspicion? Who am I kidding; I spend all my time brushing him off, which should be easy. Speaking of work, what time is it? Damn, I'm gonna be late! Oh well, Bobbo can shove it up his arse, I've done too much overtime this year. I'm sure the hospital can survive without me.

God, I'm rambling aren't I? Newbie's stupid habits are starting to grow on me and I hate it. I am the influencer, not the influence!

Anybody else would have given up trying by now, I promise you. But Newbie, he's so desperate for attention that he just keeps coming back for more. I rant, I rave, I treat him badly, but he just shakes it off and keeps trying to establish some sort of relationship with me. The funny thing is I want that with him. You know, an R thing. But not the kind he's after.

I tried so hard to make him hate me. Really, I did. Things would be so much easier if he hated me. I could have just ignored what I felt for him and got on with it, sort of like I did with Carla, and we could have just had the indifferent relation I have with almost every other doctor in that God damn hellhole. It's almost impossible to try to repress feelings for someone who's constantly all over you.

I tried to ignore Newbie and get on with my life. I tried so hard to work with the devil woman, especially for Jack's sake, but she knew, and she couldn't let it go. I suppose in a way I made it obvious she was no longer my number one, just so I watch how it tore her apart and got her angry. I loved it when she spent time away from the apartment. So now I am wifeless, kidless, Newbieless and soon to be jobless.

Now, I have to go to work completely hung-over in a dump where Newbie and I are going to spend all day trying to avoid each other, which obviously means we're going to spend the day in each other's hair.

Why do I do this to myself? Oh, yeah. All the sick people I am supposed to be helping. I mean, if I left all those idiot interns alone, there'd be no patients left to treat. It'll be over soon, and then I come home and start drinking again.

"What the hell…" I open the door to find Newbie asleep in my son's bed. I am glad he is still sleeping, I don't think I would ever be able to live down the look of surprise I am currently sporting. I'm not going to lie; he looks like a girl all curled up in that undersized bed.

Questions start running through my head. What's he doing here? I could have sworn he left, the broken lamp proves as evidence. Maybe he regretted it, I don't know.

Waking him up seems to be a pretty good idea right now. I'm sure how I feel about him actually being in my apartment. What if Jordan comes back? Or Carla drops by? Or his stupid scooter has been stolen and I have to bring him into work with me? No way. The kid sleeps like a rock. I almost have to shake him off the bed to get him to even try to open his eyes.

The disorientation on his face makes me chuckle. He has no idea where he is for the few moments, but his eyes start to focus and he looks at me expectantly. There's a lot I feel like I should say. To justify the previous evening in the hope he doesn't think I'm deranged or weird, or whatever. Like I actually care what he thinks. I growl and head back towards the door.

"Come on, Newbie. Beauty sleep's over. You gotta get up, we're gonna be late."

I hear him fumble in the background and footsteps indicate that he is finally up. "So, we're not going to talk about last night?" He seems confused.

"No," I bark, a little too loudly. "Just get ready for work, we'll talk later."

I expected him to resist, to argue his case. I was surprised to hear him murmur his consent.

"I'm getting in the shower," I call out in his direction. "I have some clothes you can borrow in my room, there's no way you're being seen anywhere near my apartment looking like that."

Once we're ready and out of the apartment I watch as Newbie instantly heads in the direction of his scooter. I reason with myself and stop him before he manages to mount her. "Where do you think you're going?"

"I'm driving Sasha to work," he looked at me like I was an idiot.

I look at my watch and growl. "We're already late; you're not going to make your shift at all if you drive that stupid excuse for a vehicle."

"Hey!" He shouted, the anger not quite reaching his eyes. "Don't insult Sasha. She's right here, you'll hurt her feelings."

"Oh!" I mock his outraged tone. "Hurt your scooter's feelings? Well, I am sorry." I shake my head and start walking towards to my car. "Get in, Newbie. I'll drive."

"Really?" He tried (and failed) to hide a hint of excitement in his eyes at the thought of riding in my car.

Somehow I can believe it. I mean, last night was awkward enough, but he still gets excited by getting in my car. Good old Newbie.

The drive is silent for some time. Eventually, in nothing more than a whisper, he apologised for running from me.

I interrupt. "Newbie, it's fine. We both know you're spineless anyway."

He looks over, outraged. I laugh and keep my eyes on the road. "Seriously, Newbie. It was quite a revelation to stomach."

I see him relax into the leather of the seat. I try to hide my smile.


	5. Chapter 5

**Repost of chapter 5.**

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><p>My shift at the hospital couldn't get any slower. I'm glad I went to theatre camp; it made it a little easier to lie to Turk about where I had ended up last night. It was taking all the energy in my body not to squeal and spill, but I knew that this would be the last shift I ever worked if word got out.<p>

I did manage to convince Carla that I had got lucky, but I don't think Turk really bought it. He knows me better than I know myself, and he knows just as well as I that I would have told him about the saucy catch had I actually pulled a girl at a bar. He must have sensed my discomfort, because he soon dropped the subject, and Carla has stopped interfering... For now.

The thing is, I really hate lying to my friends. If they knew the truth, about me, I don't know how they would react. It's not something I'm quite ready to admit, and even if I did, I'm pretty sure they would think I was lying to them. Oh, the irony.

Working with Perry today was so weird. Today, the nerves were genuine, and I wonder if he sensed that. He's one of the most explosive people I have ever met, and you never know how he is going to react to the slightest thing. He didn't react at all, to anything. If I hadn't spoken to him this morning, I would have been pretty convinced the whole thing was just an illusion conjured up in my drunken state.

I mean, the guy didn't even rant at me. Actually, when I come to think about it, apart from seeing patients with me, he pretty much left me alone. He didn't seek me out to make a point about what I was wearing, or how my hair looked, or how girly I smelt. He just got on with the job. I guess it gives me time to think... And I did. Well, when I wasn't running around treating sick people.

So, after the whole day of being apart, by the time I got to the bar I was still on the same page. I stood outside the bar entrance, pondering my next move. I knew that Perry was probably already waiting for me; I checked the rota to find that his shift ended a few hours before mine. I couldn't walk through those doors without knowing where I am going with all of this. How can I say anything about how I feel if I don't even know?

All this time, I thought of Perry as my mentor, my role model. I never thought of him, like that, you know. I never thought of the idea of us being... together. It still sounds weird.

It never even crossed my mind that the man could even consider having those kind of feelings for me. It just seemed so absurd, ridiculous, stupid. I'm pretty sure if he even got the idea that I thought of him like that, I wouldn't be talking to you right now.

But, now? I don't know. He kissed me, he likes me, and I'm still here thinking that there is a catch, that all of this is wrong and doomed from the start. But when he kissed me... The feeling of his lips against mine, the warmth of his body... It was like my brain recoiled from the situation, but my body acknowledged emotion. Does that even make sense? Rowdy would understand.

I decided to head into the bar, clueless about my plan of action. If I hesitated any longer I think Perry would get the idea I'd bailed again, and then I would really be in trouble. So I hesitantly swing the door on its hinges and step into the bar. After a careful gaze around the room, I spot Perry hidden around one of the corner tables, a glass of scotch held firmly in his hand.

I take the seat next to him, trying to think of something to say.

**"I thought you said there wouldn't be any alcohol involved." I think it's pretty obvious that the drink in his hand isn't his first.**

"**Shut up, Newbie." He growled as a response, and quickly downed the remaining contents of his drink, slamming the glass down on the table once he had successfully drained it dry. "I was starting to think you had chickened out on me again."**

**I duck my head in brief shame. "I needed a little time, you know? I have no idea what I am doing."**

**"So?" He looked expectantly at me.**

**I keep my head ducked, my brain searching desperately for something logical to say.**

**"God, Newbie! Just tell me. When I kissed you how did you feel?" I'd hit a nerve.**

**"I don't know…" I buried my face in my hands. This is not how I thought it would turn out. **

"**Newbie." The warning tone in his voice made me look at him. For the first time, I saw him for who he really was. It was quite scary to see him so... bare. "How did it feel?"**

**"Perry it's not that simple…" I can't believe I am doing this.**

**He flicked his nose and readjusted his seating position. I find myself stuttering again. **

** "I was drunk, and confused..." **

**He smirked and leant across the table, close enough that I could feel his whisper on my chin. **

"**Well, you're not now."**

**I watch in anticipation as he inches closer still, making the point of staring me in the eye so I can't bail out. I knew if I pulled away from this it was over, and even if I wanted to there was no rational thought left in my body to persuade me to do so. I actually want this to happen; I want him to kiss me.**

**He must have sensed that too, because the final inches seemed to disappear a lot quicker than I had anticipated. I couldn't help but smile as our lips finally connected, again. This kiss was different, somehow. It was short, sweet, sober. **

**It did hurt a little when he pulled away and quickly glanced around to see if anybody had witnessed what had just happened, but I let it go. He turned back to me and folded his arms across his chest expectantly.**

"**So?"**

**I smile shyly, praying to God that my cheeks didn't look as hot as they felt. "Definitely good."**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6. Hey guys! So, finally a new chapter. Sorry it took so long, I've reposted all the previous chapters, now with the help of my beta reader Nittles - a really big thank you to her - before I posted this one.**

**I want to thank everyone who reviewed, favourited and alerted this story, it really makes me happy to know people are enjoying it.**

**I hope you like this chapter, don't forget to review.**

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><p>And just like that I had made my decision. I had no idea where this road was going to take me, but somehow I knew it the path I wanted to take. I mean, I'm scared as hell, and I'm pretty sure I am going to spend most of my time down this route being travelsick, but the moment his lips met mine, I just lose all resolve. This is right.<p>

I know how cheesy it sounds, but it was like time stood still. I forgot about everything; who we were supposed to be, our friends, our jobs, our reputations. Everything. It felt like everything dissolved around us and all I could see was him. I saw hope, and I may have dreamt it, but I am pretty sure I saw a hint of fear and doubt cloud his eyes before I finally smiled at him.

"We have no privacy here," Perry announced all of a sudden, pushing his chair back with his feet and making a move to stand. "Let's go back to my place, you know, where we can actually have a proper conversation without this crappy music."

The illusion was shattered. All of a sudden the barriers were straight back up. Music began pouring into my ears again and I was conscious of my surroundings. He was inviting back to his house for 'privacy.' Call me frigid, or a girl, or whatever, but I'm not sure I am quite ready for whatever privacy he is implying.

I stared at the man in front of me for a few moments before I was finally able to find my voice. "Banana hammock!"

I wasn't supposed to say that. Perry smirked and crossed his arms across his chest.

"Nervous, Newbie?"

I shake my head a little too quickly.

"Really?" I could practically hear him laughing. "Because you'd think…" He saw my face and stopped himself. "I do actually mean to talk, Newbie."

"Oh." I felt my cheeks heat up from the embarrassment of already reading him wrong. Great start!

"Look, do you want to come back to my place or not?"

His patience was finally wearing thin. I nod. "You want to leave now?"

He nodded his head towards the bar. "I need to pay for what I have just drunk. You should head off now; with your little girl's bike I'll probably still beat you there."

I could tell he was making an effort to be humorous, but his refusal to look in my direction said it all.

"Oh…" I furrow my brow in confusion. "So, we're not leaving together then?"

"It would appear not."

I didn't say anything just in case he could hear the hurt in my voice. The silence was awkward, but it was enough to finally make him look at me.

"Newbie, don't look at me like that. You know we can't just…"

"What? What can't we just do? Get a car together? Are you that ashamed to be seen with me?" I hear my tone rise to the point where I'm almost shouting. The music was blaring far too loud for it to have made any difference anyway, but it doesn't stop Perry looking around nervously, checking to see if anybody had spotted us in the corner.

"Are you insane?" Perry leant towards me and hissed dangerously. "You can't just scream things like that! Look, things are not that simple, Princess. Just head off to my place and meet me there."

We stared at each other and slowly his gaze began to soften. "Just trust me, Newbie."

I nod slowly, and drag my feet towards the exit. He knew just as well as I that I would not refuse his offer. I valued him too much for that.

Needless to say, I jumped on Sasha and headed straight to Perry's house. We had a lot to talk about, and somehow it just seemed like more problems were being piled on than being solved. What happened at the bar had fuelled all of my doubts. He claims to like me, a lot, and yet he can't be seen in public with me, even though we work together. It's like I am a dent to his ego. How could that possibly work in a relationship? Was that even what he wanted, a relationship?

He was right though, it wasn't long until he pulled up outside his apartment. Neither one of us spoke as we entered the building and found his apartment. I really wanted to say something, to break the silent, but for what seemed like the first time in my life, I didn't have the words.

"Do you want something to drink?" Perry finally mumbled as he pushed open the front door and headed straight towards his liquor cabinet.

"I'm fine thanks, but I don't think you should be drinking."

Perry raised his eyebrow at me and smirked.

"It's a little late for that, don't you think?"

"Perry…"

"I'm just messing with you, Sunshine. " I could tell that this was hard for him. "Come on, we need to talk this out."

I watched him slump onto the sofa and decided to follow suit.

"Do you want to be with me?" The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to register my thoughts. Uh, oh.

I could tell he was getting frustrated. Yes, I was being frank, but you know as much as I do that he hates to talk, especially to me, and being direct was probably the worst thing I could have done. I mean, if you saw the way he was looking at me, you'd have bolted by now.

"Of course I do."

The look on my face said it all. I was thrown. That was the last thing I had expected Perry to say, and now he had actually come out and said it, I was speechless. He wants us to be together. This is more exciting than the time Carla cleaned Rowdy. Is it possible to be excited, confused and frustrated all at the same time? Emotions are scary.

"I don't get it." I should really learn to think before I speak. "You invite me to a bar where you are afraid to be seen with me; you treat me like crap at work. I mean, what do you want from this? Besides getting back at Jordan."

"I want us to, you know, hang out. I really do, but we can't just…"

"Can't just what? Be seen together?" I should have known this man would be impossible. How can something so confusing turn into something so beautiful? Then how can that very same thing turn into something so… _Nasty_?

"Yeah," Perry was shouting at this point. I think it's also relevant to add that he has moved from his spot on the sofa and is now leaning against the liquor cabinet, arms folded, eyes glaring into my very soul. "Now listen to me, Priscilla! If we lived in a perfect world, where we could live our lives just how we wanted to, where we could be together how we wanted to be together, it would be our own damn business, you understand that?"

He waits for me to nod before he continues.

"I hate to break your heart, Daisy, but this isn't a perfect world. It's a rotten, cynical world. Do you think it's ok to be openly different? Do you think you can live a life where there are bunnies, and rainbows and giant castles and cuddly toys and not be judged? You just can't, Newbie. That's just some crap they feed to the children for them to be able to 'accept who they really are' in the playground. Do you want to know what happens to you when people know you're different? You're ostracized, pushed away, abused. There will always be somebody watching you, judging whatever you do, and breathing down your neck just waiting for the day you become a complete and utter fuck up. Think about what would happen to you, to us, if people at the hospital knew we were gay. If our neighbors knew we were gay. Patients would refuse treatment, nurses would gossip… We'd lose all the goddamn respect we've earned in that Godforsaken dump!"

Once again I was speechless. I wanted him to be wrong so much, I really did. I wanted to tell him that he's the cynical one, that the world has changed, that it doesn't matter what you are in 21st Century America. God, I really did. But he was right, and he knew it. He was completely right. I've had patients get emotional and critical if I do so much as act feminine, to think that things could get so much worse if I even came to the conclusion that I was gay. Suddenly, I'm exhausted. This is so much harder than it needs to be.

"You're right," I sigh.

"I am," he nods. I know just how much he loves being right, but right now he doesn't look happy, or triumphant or whatever. He just looks… Sad.

"We have to keep this a secret? Whatever this is?"

"I think that would be smart, Newbie."

"Not even Turk?"

He only needs to glare at me for me to know the answer to that one.

"You're probably right, again."

"Yeah," Perry smiled for the first time since we arrived at his apartment.

I started to relax.

"So, erm…" I decide to alter the conversation just slightly. I mean, we have pretty much determined how we feel, and what we shouldn't be doing. But there's just the one thing I'm not quite sure on.

"What do we do now?"


	7. Chapter 7

Almost immediately, the walls shot up again and we were lapsed in awkward silence. I inwardly groaned. Perry was making no effort to return to the sofa, and my eyes were far too intent on burning holes through my thighs for me to even try and gauge how Perry might have been looking at that very moment.

"Soo…" I hear him breath out, the sound of padded footsteps alerting me to the fact that Perry was moving, inevitably in my direction. I feel the couch lower slightly as Perry slumps himself down beside me, his eyes suddenly burning into the side of my face.

I don't really know what it is, but I think I'm still slightly scared of him.

"What do we do now?" He mimics my earlier question, and allows his arm to snake around the back of the sofa. I gulp audibly.

I reel back in shock, but soon start kissing back. I can't believe this is happening, you know, right now. It's insane, but I love it, I really do.

"Perry…" I mumble into the kiss, trying to get his attention. It comes out merely as a groan, and does everything but what I had intended it to do. I try again, placing my palms on his chest and pushing away from him gently.

He shoots me a look and raises his eyebrow in confusion.

"What?"

I wait until I have regained my composure before trying to speak.

"As much as I'm enjoying, you know…" I start to blush. "I meant what we were going to do, as in long term…"

I squeeze my eyes shut, afraid to see Perry's reaction. The man next to me doesn't speak, and fear prompts me to open my eyes again. His facial expression hasn't changed. You should know me by now, when I get nervous I keep talking. Isn't that something a woman is supposed to do?

"I mean, how are we going to do this?"

"This?"

Well, that certainly got his attention.

"Yeah," I nod convincingly. "You know, our relationship…" I was attacked by kisses before I had the chance to finish my sentence. I'm not really sure if I am that bothered, to be honest with you.

"Newbie," Perry's voice was menacingly low. "We've spent the last forever talking. You know damn well how I feel, and I am pretty sure you've made it ver-hery clear how you feel, so can't we just leave it at that? I know you love to talk, and plan, and all the other girly things that I don't have the mental capacity to remember right now, but can't you just relax for five minutes?"

I'm not an idiot, I knew he was right the moment the words had come out of his self righteous mouth. I hate it when he's right, it's irritating, but I guess he had a point. I was over thinking things. It all just felt so unpredictable and new, and well, I can't say I've ever been in this situation before. It was going to take me a while to adapt.

"So, now we've got that covered, _again_…" I could sense the irritation in Perry's voice. "What are we going to do now? Personally, I think we'd be fine carrying on from where we left off."

"Hmm," I smile. Perry's grin has returned too, but something stops me leaning over toward him. Somebody needs to take my brain, now!

Perry takes the initiative and leans over to kiss me, but I block his advances with my hand.

"So, we're a couple now, like officially?"

"Yes…" he looked apprehensive at me, not seeming too sure if he liked where I was going.

"And I think we should do things a couple usually does."

"We were doing things a couple does…" he said in an obvious tone.

"I know that, but that's not the kind of thing I was talking about. Look, I know we can't hold hands in public, or have a romantic dinner on a restaurant, but we could at least, watch a movie and cuddle in the couch, maybe…" I see him opening his mouth, certainly to complain against what I had said, but I stop him before he can. "Perry, I'm not asking for a lot, ok? I just want to watch a movie with my boyfriend. I mean, that is what you are to me now, right? My boyfriend?" I ask the question hesitantly.

"Yes, I guess I am." The smile that appeared in his face confused me, I'm not sure why. It's not like I was expecting him to snap at me or anything, but I guess I was expecting him to be more uncomfortable about what our relationship was.

I realize I must have gotten to him, because his face softened and he sighed.

"Ok, fine."

"I'll be right back." He leaves the room, heading in the direction of his room.

I stay there waiting for him, finding myself quickly lost in my thoughts. In only a couple of days my life had been turned upside down. I had started dating my boss, who was quite literally the last person I thought I would ever date. Not only that, I discovered I liked men. I know people see me and immediately assume I'm gay – probably because of my fabulous hair – but I had always ignored that. I had never thought of another man that way before. But Perry, he's not only a man, he's… he's Perry Cox, the best goddamn doctor to ever walk the floors of Sacred Heart and since the very moment I met him I saw in him someone that attracted me in a way I didn't really understand.

The sudden sound of a door closing pulls me out of those thoughts. Perry had returned from his room, holding a DVD with one of his hands.

"Jordon forgot to take this movie before she left. It's a sappy chick flick, not really my thing but I guess you'll like it." A teasing smile plays on his lips as he says this.

I grab the box while he puts the DVD in the player and read the summary, admitting to myself that it really was the sort of movie I liked, but refusing to acknowledge it out loud.

"I wouldn't think Jordan was the type of woman who'd enjoy these movies." I think out loud.

"Oh, yeah… It's not exactly information she likes to share with the world, but she has an extensive collection of incredibly cheesy movies."

His face was apparently emotionless, but I thought I saw a something resembling affection hidden behind that.

"Do you…" I was suddenly felling uneasy "do you miss her?"

I didn't know why I was feeling so uncomfortable. It wasn't like he could still have feelings for her right? That was just silly. He had left her for me… well, maybe not exactly but something like that.

Then I heard the answer I was hoping not to hear.

"Of course I do." He looked truly surprised by the question. "She's the mother of my son. In a lot of ways she's the best friend I ever had. I'll always care very deeply for her." He must have seen I was upset because he added. "The thing is, while we were together, no matter how much I tried – and believe me, I really tried – I couldn't bring myself to feel about her… well, the way I feel about you."

He smiles and leans his face over to mine, kissing me gently. I feel my defenses crumbling down, feeling reassured by his words.

He kisses me again before talking. "Come on, let's watch the movie."

And we did. Although, if I have to be honest, I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on in the screen. I was too distracted by his arm around my waist, by how close we were, by the warmth of his body, and the smell of his cologne. Everything about that moment felt absolutely perfect, almost unreal, to the point were I didn't even move, afraid it would shatter the moment. I wished I that moment would last forever, I wished I never had to leave his arms.

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><p>But I had. Even tough I wanted to stay with him, I had to go home. It was getting late, and Turk would be suspicious if I didn't sleep home for two straight nights without warning him. Also, I didn't want Perry to get the wrong idea about me spending the night. I was nowhere near ready to take that step on our relationship.<p>

So I stepped away from his comforting arms and kissed him goodbye before going outside. I could see he wanted to ask me to stay, but he didn't, I could see he didn't want to give the idea he was pushing me to sleep with him, and I truly appreciated it.

I made my way out of the building, still vaguely upset for having to leave before I wanted to, but generally I was feeling happy. The storm of confused and mixed feelings in me had calmed down and left me feeling calm and reassured. I knew this relationship wouldn't be easy, and we were going to have to lie to all our friends about it, but Perry – the most skeptical person I know – seemed to believe we had a shot, and if he believed that, I didn't see why I couldn't.

I try my best to be silent while I get in my apartment, in an attempt not to wake up my friends, and avoid the questions that would follow. This shows itself to be futile, because as I turn around after quietly closing the door, I am faced with a suspicious looking Chocolate Bear.

"Oh, hi Turk. You still up?" I ask trying to recompose myself from the scare I'd just gotten. I was really not expecting him to be there. According to my watch it was after 2 a.m., and after that hour Turk was usually already sound-asleep.

"Yeah, couldn't sleep, I was worried about you. You've been acting all weird in the hospital today, and then you leave without telling anyone where you're going, you don't answer my calls, it's not like you to act like that. Is there something wrong?"

There was genuine concern in his voice, which just made me feel even worse about lying to him. I had to fight the desperate urge to tell him the truth, reminding myself I had promised Perry I wouldn't.

"No, nothing's wrong." That part was true, nothing was wrong, everything was just different. But he didn't seem convinced, so I added "Turk, I promise, I'm fine. I've just been… having trouble with one of my patients" I quickly think of an excuse for my behavior. It was actually true, I had been having problems with one of my patients, a snarky little teenager who took every chance he got to try to annoy me, but that was the last thing on my mind.

"You know teenage boys, they don't take anything seriously. He got really on my nerves today, so I decided to take a walk after work, you know, to clear my head and remind myself I'm not allowed to punch one of my patients." I joked, trying to distract him from my odd behavior.

"Oh, you mean the Taylor kid? Yeah, I know what you mean; you should have heard what he said to Carla the other day…"

This seemed to take his mind out of my behavior for a while, and we stayed there talking for a while. All the while through the conversation I felt a knot in my chest for being forced to lie to my best friend. I was just getting a taste of how difficult keeping this secret would be, and I quietly cursed the world for being the way it is, for not allowing me to be with who I want to be.

I went to bed feeling guilty and exhausted. Turk was my best friend, I really hated lying to him. Then I remembered Perry, and I thought maybe it was worth lying to protect what we were beginning to have. I pushed the thoughts of guilt and lies away, and I fell asleep smiling thinking about how it felt being in Perry's arms.

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><p><strong>AN: Hey again! I'm back with a new chapter, and I know, it was about time. This chapter took me a while to write, but it's also a little bit longer than the others. It's not much, but I can't really write long chapters. I hope you enjoyed it, I had fun writing it :).**

**I also want to thank my beta, for helping me improve the story, and anyone who reviewed, favorited or alerted this story, for encouraging me to keep writing, it means a lot to me to know people like what I write :).**

**I'll also start to reply to some reviews, something I'd been forgetting to do.**

**Rainami: Thank you so much for the encouragement and the advice! I was actually having a really crappy day when you reviewed and it cheered me up. Thanks!**

**Imako Niomi: Yes, I know exactly what you mean. It's sad today people are still discriminated by their sexual orientation :(. Let's just hope in a few years everyone will be equal. Sorry the chapter was so short, I'll try working on making them longer.**

**cellardoor1000: I'm glad you like it. When I watched the show I always thought the reason Dr. Cox treated JD so harshly was because he was attracted to him. Obviously not, but I always thought it would be a fun way to take the pot.**


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